For the past week or so, I’ve discovered so much more about myself when I’m at my very worst, but I also had an epiphany in the process.
People have been wrong for doing their own actions towards the situation that we as a group had to deal with. I won’t lie and say I didn’t do anything wrong, ‘cause what I did was a result of my blinding bitter rage and heartache. I said things and even stooped so low to wish many misfortunes to people I would otherwise never say about anyone. Every time I cried, I cried with the utmost bitter anger, rage and heartache. I started to throw stuff away ‘cause it had no meaning to me anymore. There have been a few times when I’ve almost hurt myself. While I didn’t actually hurt myself, I’ve gone through panic attacks and the only real hurt I’ve down to myself was punching my own arm (on the elbow joint area when your arm is at rest on the upside) in the midst of a panic attack when I quickly grew tired of punching my bed.
Turning to someone else would normally help, but for me, it only brought those bittersweet memories of talking to the very people I felt most comfortable and it killed me to do that ritual with someone else who I barely spoke to, let alone seen in a while. While this person did his best to give me comfort, it was all too much for me. I told him I felt like I was being a such heavy burden bothering him at least 10 times a day just because I’d be bored or needed someone to talk to. Even if he didn’t mind it, it still bothered me. This person I was dependent on was nowhere the same for me.
While in the midst of being in the same state of mind, I had to go through a lot of shouting. It hurt me even more than it would any other day. At the same time, I took up on the advice to seek the very people I dropped when I was angry spitting fire. I did tell each and every one of them “ONLY IF you want to be my friend again. If not, I can understand. Just know I’m sorry for what I did as a result of my blinding anger.” I left it as that and went about my business…just being bitter still. But then, there was a sign. The first person was one of the few I asked to be friends again…and even admitted to being in the wrong for not hearing me out before going off the way she did. I turned to another friend, who I did talk to about what happened. At least I knew he was someone I could actually depend on and helped me think everything through. Then I had an epiphany…as much as we all spat fire and venom at each other, this anger could never last forever. The people I told off, slowly but maturely, they saw my apology and accepted me back. I turned to the one person who I had to depend on for some kind of solace, if any was to be picked up again. Though he never stopped me from seeing the people I’d give up my life for, he was more than willing to have me stay with him so he could be my new happiness. I told it wasn’t helping me at all, even if he didn’t mind it at all…and it wouldn’t have mattered if he had to kill himself somehow just to get me to lighten up. Obviously, he took it the wrong way, got super pissed with me and screamed at me saying I was stupid to even make him go through all the trouble to be shitted on. Now he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. That’s okay, though. After that, even though I only got four hours of sleep, I felt like a heavy weight was finally lifted off me.
The epiphany is this: As much as we all spat fire and venom at each other, we all came to our senses; some of us who had done wrong realized what we did and others who were hurt by the actions who had done wrong are willing to help them get back on track. The people who would otherwise try to steal you away for themselves from the very few that really knew you and loved you despite your flaws, are the ones who needed to be dropped.
There is still a long road ahead, but with the people I hurt slowly but maturely accepting me back, it might very well be worth all the bullshit we’ve had to deal with for the past week or so. If only I could actually cry tears of happiness…
