I’ve been doing the best I can to live my life like nothing happened, but that’s easier said than done. How can it be done when the bullshit that already happened still lingers high above my head? Maybe not for the rest of the crew…but it’s still right above my head. Everyone agreed that I needed to seek professional help. I’ve been having constant mood swings (and not the PMS kind) and now I’m real close to picking up a habit that I know people would not approve of…I’m close to picking up a cigarette and actually smoke that cancer stick. Ironically enough, my grandma from my extended family died from lung cancer and she never touched a cigarette…but it was from the smokers. Some of my family members used to smoke at one point and all of them had gotten sick from it. Now it seems I’m about to pick up this habit everyone will vote against.
Here’s my problem: I’m a hard head, I’m stubborn, I don’t forgive right away or easily, I still can’t tell the difference between someone joking around with me VS someone being serious at times, I keep to myself and always have been since I was but a small child, I still think that the same people I’ve somehow managed to have back in my life are SOMEHOW conspiring against me. I’ve had three psychiatrists who pretended to be tutors in my childhood and they were only short term…if they weren’t of any help to me combined, what makes me think any professional help I would be getting in the near future would be any different?
Here’s the key factor: my best friend is about to seek professional help himself and he’s extending his hand to me in hopes I follow by his example. My problem…I don’t seem to trust any professional help after those three psychiatrists from my childhood. Ever since then, I’ve never had any professional help other than resource during my schooling years. Everyone just believes me to be a slow learner, which in some ways, I am. But it’s NOT my fault for being told I’m slow!!! I NEVER ASKED TO BE TOLD I’M SLOW!!! I still want to lash out on some poor unfortunate soul just because I need to get this anger out of my system. And while I’m opening to people I only knew through wrestling, I feel they’re slowly but steadily replacing the crew I fought so hard to get back. And lately, I’ve been having dreams…bad dreams…ranging from someone hitting me like I deserved to be punished to just leaving me out of spite and they couldn’t deal with my shit anymore. I haven’t been able to cry much. Just a tear or two…or IF I’m lucky enough, cry for about two minutes and that’s it.
THE ONLY THING I WANT IS EVERYTHING TO BE BACK TO HOW LIFE USED TO BE BEFORE BULLSHIT HAD TO HAPPEN THE WAY IT DID!!! But apparently, even that’s too much to ask from anyone. Even though there’s a good chance I’ll have to follow my best friend’s example, I’ll be refusing to seek professional help by any means possible. I just want everything back to how it used to be…that’s all I want…but again, that’s too much to ask…and it will never happen in this life time.
So I’ve come into terms about who I am at my worst. Sadly, that’s all I’ve been embracing for just over a month now. I honestly don’t know how else to pacify this, let alone learn to forgive myself OR let go and move on. So if I die fro lung cancer and/or ovarian cancer, don’t try to save me. If I don’t want your help, extend your hand to someone else who needs…no…DESERVES the help more than I do. If you still feel I’m not good enough of a person to be fully accepted back into your life, you’re better off just letting me go. I may have been important to you at one point five years ago…now, I can’t tell if you still mean every word that you say when you tell me I’m still very important, I’m the closest person to an actual sister OR girlfriend to you…I honestly don’t see what you see. All I did was hurt everyone. What’s more sad is the fact I haven’t been able to draw AT ALL since all the bullshit happened the way it did.
The only question I have now is: Where the fuck do I go from here?
