Life of the Starving Artist

15th November 2011

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Birthday “wishes”

Hope the old fart of a fat ass is reading this…

Today’s your birthday and for the two seconds it’ll take me to say Happy Birthday (which I just did) I say it with a nice tone you’ve always known me to say it. On that lovely note, I hope your fat ass and your egg head girlfriend are suffering and have been suffering since you decided on cutting off all ties with me!!! You always told me you saw a lot of your old self in me when you looked at me dead in the eyes. Because of you cutting me out of your life, you brought out the very worst of me AND I became your old self you ALWAYS saw in me; I’ve cared less about saving money, eating more than I can handle, started smoking (yeah, you read that right) with an electronic cigarette and I’m loving every second of the new lifestyle I’ve been living. I truly hope all misfortunes have been fallen on you both since you both decided to cut me out of your lives and I truly hope more misfortunes continue to befall on you both!!! I’m falling into my own bottomless pit, but I’m not worried about who will be there to save me or not…and you shouldn’t worry about if I’ll be there to save you when you crack to the point you have NOTHING LEFT…because I will not be there to save you anymore!!!! Thank you for bringing out the very best of me, which was the girl you loved so much…AND killed…and bringing out the very worst of me, which you helped to create and I’ve been living since you cut me out of your life and I love every fucking second of it!!!

13th October 2011

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New York Comic Con and 2012

Officially, the New York Comic Con starts today, but I’ll be starting TOMORROW and will be there for the weekend. I did make new artwork but due to work, I haven’t had a chance to scan any of it. Hopefully I’ll get around to it this weekend.

And why am I mentioning 2012? I saw an ad for the Shen Yun performance next year and the dates are already set!!! Don’t say anything, but it’s gonna be a late Christmas/Chinese New Year present for someone who’s raised me and my sister, having to make so many sacrifices to give us a much better life than what he had to the best of his ability. Yup, it’s my dad. Since I didn’t get a chance to take him to the show earlier this summer, I told him I would treat him to the next performance. So yeah, since seeing the dates, all I need to do is see his work schedule, pray that he’s free that same week the Shen Yun will be performing and I got myself a late Christmas/Chinese New Year present for my dad!!!

It would have also been nice IF someone who WAS my best friend could treat me to this show, so long as it didn’t interfere with the same date I’d be taking my dad to see this show…but we’re not best friends anymore. It’s okay. He doesn’t need me anymore, nor I need him. I’ve been doing just fine without him, although I’ve picked up the habit of smoking with an e-cigarette. Google it up to know more about it. The one I have isn’t mine. I’m borrowing from a friend of mine ‘cause I need it as a prop for the New York Comic Con tomorrow…but OMG it’s ADDICTING!!! NOW I know why smokers I’ve known my whole life say it’s hard to quit once you’ve started. Other than that and having to wait for help in sometime November, I’ve been surviving on my own without the fat ass and the egg head girlfriend.

In any case, I’ll let you know how the New York Comic Con went after the weekend is over.

24th September 2011

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..someone better stop me from lacerating my face…I’m real close to going to visit a certain someone I know who has a dagger and will probably be more than happy to do it to me because I deserve to walk around with a scar for the world to see…

10th September 2011

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Lingering Anger and Change…

I’ve been doing the best I can to live my life like nothing happened, but that’s easier said than done. How can it be done when the bullshit that already happened still lingers high above my head? Maybe not for the rest of the crew…but it’s still right above my head. Everyone agreed that I needed to seek professional help. I’ve been having constant mood swings (and not the PMS kind) and now I’m real close to picking up a habit that I know people would not approve of…I’m close to picking up a cigarette and actually smoke that cancer stick. Ironically enough, my grandma from my extended family died from lung cancer and she never touched a cigarette…but it was from the smokers. Some of my family members used to smoke at one point and all of them had gotten sick from it. Now it seems I’m about to pick up this habit everyone will vote against.

Here’s my problem: I’m a hard head, I’m stubborn, I don’t forgive right away or easily, I still can’t tell the difference between someone joking around with me VS someone being serious at times, I keep to myself and always have been since I was but a small child, I still think that the same people I’ve somehow managed to have back in my life are SOMEHOW conspiring against me. I’ve had three psychiatrists who pretended to be tutors in my childhood and they were only short term…if they weren’t of any help to me combined, what makes me think any professional help I would be getting in the near future would be any different?

Here’s the key factor: my best friend is about to seek professional help himself and he’s extending his hand to me in hopes I follow by his example. My problem…I don’t seem to trust any professional help after those three psychiatrists from my childhood. Ever since then, I’ve never had any professional help other than resource during my schooling years. Everyone just believes me to be a slow learner, which in some ways, I am. But it’s NOT my fault for being told I’m slow!!! I NEVER ASKED TO BE TOLD I’M SLOW!!! I still want to lash out on some poor unfortunate soul just because I need to get this anger out of my system. And while I’m opening to people I only knew through wrestling, I feel they’re slowly but steadily replacing the crew I fought so hard to get back. And lately, I’ve been having dreams…bad dreams…ranging from someone hitting me like I deserved to be punished to just leaving me out of spite and they couldn’t deal with my shit anymore. I haven’t been able to cry much. Just a tear or two…or IF I’m lucky enough, cry for about two minutes and that’s it.

THE ONLY THING I WANT IS EVERYTHING TO BE BACK TO HOW LIFE USED TO BE BEFORE BULLSHIT HAD TO HAPPEN THE WAY IT DID!!! But apparently, even that’s too much to ask from anyone. Even though there’s a good chance I’ll have to follow my best friend’s example, I’ll be refusing to seek professional help by any means possible. I just want everything back to how it used to be…that’s all I want…but again, that’s too much to ask…and it will never happen in this life time.

So I’ve come into terms about who I am at my worst. Sadly, that’s all I’ve been embracing for just over a month now. I honestly don’t know how else to pacify this, let alone learn to forgive myself OR let go and move on. So if I die fro lung cancer and/or ovarian cancer, don’t try to save me. If I don’t want your help, extend your hand to someone else who needs…no…DESERVES the help more than I do. If you still feel I’m not good enough of a person to be fully accepted back into your life, you’re better off just letting me go. I may have been important to you at one point five years ago…now, I can’t tell if you still mean every word that you say when you tell me I’m still very important, I’m the closest person to an actual sister OR girlfriend to you…I honestly don’t see what you see. All I did was hurt everyone. What’s more sad is the fact I haven’t been able to draw AT ALL since all the bullshit happened the way it did.

The only question I have now is: Where the fuck do I go from here?

3rd September 2011

Post reblogged from Daily Journal Of A Slacker with 55 notes

Car Commercials

dederants:

Watching a car commercial narrated by Benedict Cumberbatch:

Someone asks you about the car:

Tagged: That's my GIF BTWthe second onethat's meI give good confused right?not being a toolBenedict Cumberbatch

Source: dederants

14th August 2011

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Say it ain’t so…

From my best friend who works at my old job…Barnes and Noble is going out of business.

My honest opinion…as much as drawing and artwork is my life, reading has kept me just as busy when artwork cannot ALWAYS be with me 24/7/365 and unlike artwork, books you finish reading can either be lent to a friend, co-worker or relative….OR it can be kept because you loved reading it so much and you may want to read it again in the future.

If you don’t want them anymore, but don’t want to throw it in the trash. There is a way to recycle them. Either sell them at a yard sale or what I do is register them at BookCrossing so each book has its own ID number, put in a bookplate with that ID number in it, leave it out in the open somewhere (they have a supply store for things like bags, stickers, kits, etc.) and hope someone finds it. So far, I haven’t had any luck. TECHNICALLY two books had been found. All they would need to do is (other than read the book) see the bookplate and follow the instructions on the bookplate. When they put in the same ID number into the website, I will get notification that someone has found it. Those two books never got looked up in the BookCrossing website, so I don’t have a clue where they are now. It does work…it’s only a matter of IF you’re in the area at the time, WHERE it is and IF you decide to take it home with you.

If you’d like to know more about BookCrossing and/OR if you have any info on Barnes and Noble, reply back to this. Many thanks.

11th August 2011

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Tears of Bitter Anger and Tears of Happiness

For the past week or so, I’ve discovered so much more about myself when I’m at my very worst, but I also had an epiphany in the process.

People have been wrong for doing their own actions towards the situation that we as a group had to deal with. I won’t lie and say I didn’t do anything wrong, ‘cause what I did was a result of my blinding bitter rage and heartache. I said things and even stooped so low to wish many misfortunes to people I would otherwise never say about anyone. Every time I cried, I cried with the utmost bitter anger, rage and heartache. I started to throw stuff away ‘cause it had no meaning to me anymore. There have been a few times when I’ve almost hurt myself. While I didn’t actually hurt myself, I’ve gone through panic attacks and the only real hurt I’ve down to myself was punching my own arm (on the elbow joint area when your arm is at rest on the upside) in the midst of a panic attack when I quickly grew tired of punching my bed.

Turning to someone else would normally help, but for me, it only brought those bittersweet memories of talking to the very people I felt most comfortable and it killed me to do that ritual with someone else who I barely spoke to, let alone seen in a while. While this person did his best to give me comfort, it was all too much for me. I told him I felt like I was being a such heavy burden bothering him at least 10 times a day just because I’d be bored or needed someone to talk to. Even if he didn’t mind it, it still bothered me. This person I was dependent on was nowhere the same for me.

While in the midst of being in the same state of mind, I had to go through a lot of shouting. It hurt me even more than it would any other day. At the same time, I took up on the advice to seek the very people I dropped when I was angry spitting fire. I did tell each and every one of them “ONLY IF you want to be my friend again. If not, I can understand. Just know I’m sorry for what I did as a result of my blinding anger.” I left it as that and went about my business…just being bitter still. But then, there was a sign. The first person was one of the few I asked to be friends again…and even admitted to being in the wrong for not hearing me out before going off the way she did. I turned to another friend, who I did talk to about what happened. At least I knew he was someone I could actually depend on and helped me think everything through. Then I had an epiphany…as much as we all spat fire and venom at each other, this anger could never last forever. The people I told off, slowly but maturely, they saw my apology and accepted me back. I turned to the one person who I had to depend on for some kind of solace, if any was to be picked up again. Though he never stopped me from seeing the people I’d give up my life for, he was more than willing to have me stay with him so he could be my new happiness. I told it wasn’t helping me at all, even if he didn’t mind it at all…and it wouldn’t have mattered if he had to kill himself somehow just to get me to lighten up. Obviously, he took it the wrong way, got super pissed with me and screamed at me saying I was stupid to even make him go through all the trouble to be shitted on. Now he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. That’s okay, though. After that, even though I only got four hours of sleep, I felt like a heavy weight was finally lifted off me.

The epiphany is this: As much as we all spat fire and venom at each other, we all came to our senses; some of us who had done wrong realized what we did and others who were hurt by the actions who had done wrong are willing to help them get back on track. The people who would otherwise try to steal you away for themselves from the very few that really knew you and loved you despite your flaws, are the ones who needed to be dropped.

There is still a long road ahead, but with the people I hurt slowly but maturely accepting me back, it might very well be worth all the bullshit we’ve had to deal with for the past week or so. If only I could actually cry tears of happiness…

11th August 2011

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Mid-to-Late September vacation woes!!!

I have a week vacation from the 18th of September until the 24th…but I don’t have the slightest clue where to go!!!

I prefer:

1. Somewhere where I can get away from New York, but within the USA
2. Location MUST NOT BREAK THE BANK
3. Has places to visit
4. Worth investing on travel

IF anyone knows any good places, let me know. ^^